I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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