I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
