I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
