I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
