Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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