We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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