I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
