i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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