How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
