I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
