Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
