No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
