I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
