Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
