I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
