im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
