Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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