She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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