im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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