I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just gift wrapped bread.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
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