is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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