i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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