insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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