i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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