U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
