Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
