apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
