I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
