I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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