Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
