i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
