everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
