my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
