I think I died a long time ago.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
