Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
