He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
