Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
