Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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