my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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