Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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