My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
