I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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