I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
