wrigley field is MILF paradise
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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