not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
