Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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