Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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