I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
