i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
