I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
